Maximum Momentum Router

The CaveBear Maximum Momentum Router is based on the same principle used by generations of auto mechanics - a bigger hammer is a better hammer.

Do you remember your first English automobile? Do you remember the reassuring tick-tick-tick of it’s fuel pump? Do you remember how you had to apply a bit of “coercive” force when that ticking stopped?

The CaveBear Research Institute (CBRI) has discovered that network packets, like the Lucas fuel pumps of yore, also need that extra oomph to get them to their intended destinations.

Here’s what we discovered (and we expect the Nobel committee to be calling soon): Networks have friction. Lots of friction. Scads of friction! Packets have to overcome that friction. Otherwise they will slow down or even stop. And the last thing you need is a network jammed with slowpokes and stalled packets.

Since the folks at the CaveBear Laboratories can’t stand to let a network problem go unresolved, we worked day and night to come up with an answer. And, of course, we did. Recognizing our limitations and humility, we call it the “Maximum Momentum Router.”

The Maximum Momentum Router is the world’s first IP packet router to use CaveBear’s Momentum Enhancement and Aggregation Technology. We call it The MEAT.

The Maximum Momentum router gives an extra kick to outgoing packets so that they overcome wire friction and quickly reach the furthest parts of your network, and beyond.

And we didn’t stop there - Momentum Enhancement and Aggregation Technology conserves power by reusing the unused momentum from incoming packets. In some cases, we can reuse so much power that we can send the excess back to the electric company and make them pay us!

So how did we do it? Unless you are Einstein reborn you won’t understand. But here’s an analogy - you know how an aluminum baseball bat makes balls go further than a wooden bat? The Maximum Momentum Router works just like that.

Maximum Momentum Router Features:

• Automatic Momentum Negotiation - protects close-by devices from receiving momentum enhanced packets. (Legacy equipment may not be able to dissipate the energy of such packets, see “Warnings” below.)
• Replace It Anyway (RIA) route table entry update system.
• Black-Hole Convergence with Poison Perverse and Dualistic Event Horizons.
• Loudest Path First Routing (LPFR)
• Zero-Bit Removal (ZBR) link compression.
• Virtual Primitive Networks (VPN) with RSI encryption.
• Domestic Boarder/Lodger Gateway Protocol (DBLGP)
• Anti-Dissonance Route Flapping with Psychotic Damping.
• Enhanced Quality of Service Life (E-QoS-L)
• Twelve Step fault recovery system
• Bacchanalian solutions to the Lusty Philosopher problem.
• Dueling Modular Power systems.
• Psycho-Adaptive Switching Grid with Polychromatic mapping

WARNINGS

Incoming momentum enhanced packets can impart significant impact shocks and inertial moments, especially when the cable lengths from the Maximum Momentum Router are short. In one of our early tests a surge of momentum enhanced packets accidentally pushed large ATM switch off the lab bench, through a wall, and into the lime Jello® in the cafeteria. So, unless you like watching switches and routers fall out of racks or slide off of shelves, it is very important that you solidly tie down your gear.

The following table shows cable lengths below which it is important to mount receiving equipment in anchored racks with shock damping.</span.

Momentum enhanced packets can erode the inside insulation of substandard copper and fiber optic cables, especially where the cables bend. Such erosion, especially at really tight kinks in the cables, also causes X-ray and Tacheon radiation that will cause mutations and time warps in living organisms. Consider upgrading with lead-sheathed cable that meets IEEE-X75+B-1998.

And never, ever look at the end of any cable carrying momentum enhanced packets!